Happy Birthday Madelyn!

My sweet Madelyn Violet,

I am writing this to you at 3:43am on your first birthday. Although not in the plans, something forced me awake at 3:22am and I crept into your room to share with you the moment you came into this world one year ago. I am amazed at how far you have come little girl! You have grown from the squishiest little 8 pounder into an inquisitive, talkative, and hilarious little girl and I love that I have spent every minute of that time with you.

Big things happened in our family this year - one of those being me starting my own firm. I was blessed to stay home with you for 12 amazing weeks. My only job was to take care of my new baby. I went back to work and couldn't stand the idea of not being with you. If I were to miss any of those major milestones in your first year, I never would have gotten over it. Daddy and I talked about it and decided it was time for me to start my own business and also focus on my primary job - being your mom. I went back to work on February 14 and resigned on April 24. I never looked back and have never regretted a moment of being with you.

As beautiful as this past year has been, I know there are even bigger things in store for you in the future! I can't wait to see you experience them all!

All my love - forever and ever,
Mom

Letters to Madelyn

Madelyn,

I made a promise to myself and to you while I was still pregnant to not compare milestones.  I vowed to not become one of those moms that obsesses over whether or not her baby is hitting developmental points at all the right times.  I knew you would learn each of these things in your own time and didn't want the added pressure of making sure you were the "star of the class" so to speak.

That being said, here we are seven months later and I just took my first peek at "where you should be".  And baby girl - your mama is so proud of you! 

People have been telling your Dad and I from day one that you are ahead of the curve.  I tried not to read too much into it since I figured people are obviously going to compliment babies.  However, as time kept going on and it continued to happen I got a little curious.  Finally, a trip to the pediatrician was all it took to send me to the milestone charts.  We were sitting in the office and you were sitting on the table during the exam.  Your doctor was so impressed with how straight you were sitting and that you continued to sit that well for a good thirty minutes.  She guessed that by the time we go back for your nine month appointment you would be walking!  Walking!?!?  I couldn't resist any longer and I had to check out how awesome you really are.

Here's what I found for seven months:
Beginning skills - sitting without support and pulling objects to you.  You've got that under control.
Emerging skills - rocks on all fours and jabbers.  I think this video speaks for itself.

And we all know you've been a jabber jaws for quite some time now.

Finally this is where I became a believer.

Advanced skills - waves goodbye and bangs objects together.  You do both of these!!  I was a skeptic when it came to the waving but you have done it enough times at the absolute most appropriate time that I am convinced you know what you're doing.

So there you have it - you are already head of the class and you're only seven months old.  I am one proud mama!!

Love you,

Mom

Letters to Madelyn

Miss. Madelyn,
I have read a few other blogs in which mamas write little letters to their children, sharing with them thoughts, feelings and milestones.  Although I document your monthly endeavors I want to have something that is just for you.  Written about you, for you.
I wish I had started this before you were born but there's nothing I can do about that now.
I can't believe in 10 short days you will be 6 months old.  6 months!  You have completely changed my life in every way.  Everyday I am overwhelmed with how much I continue to fall more and more in love with you.  I am proud of your accomplishments and will always be your biggest cheerleader.
When you were born, you looked just like your daddy.  I searched your face for glimpses of me but found none.  However, as time goes on I start to see glimmers of myself in your perfectly round little face - and that makes me over the moon happy!
I can't wait to show you everything this big world has to offer.  I can't wait to see what you have to offer this world! 
Love,
Mom

Mother's Guilt

Miss. M,
I've been struggling with your birth since, well, you were born.  I had grand plans of a med free childbirth, immediate skin to skin contact, Daddy cutting your cord since he missed out on that with Ben, the list goes on.  If you've read your birth story, you know that all went to hell in a handbasket.  And I hate that your birth involves pulling you from my body and passing you to at least 3 people before I even saw my sweet baby girl.  I still bothers me that my first peek at my daughter you was completely wrapped up and someone had to hold you for me because my arms were numb.  I really hate that your body was pumped full of antibiotics before I was even able to fill your belly breastfeeding.  My love, you were close to an hour old before I even got to hold you.  The worst part is, I feel like my body failed my baby girl.

I have replayed your birth over and over in my mind since the day you were born.  What if I had told my family, please don't come over - we'll let you know when she's here or even not told them I was in labor.  I believed I would want people around me during labor - turns out, I didn't.  What if I had not gotten the epidural?  What if I had stood up to the doctor when she told me she couldn't turn you?  What if I had said, F you and your plan to have me push when my body isn't involuntarily pushing yet, I'm going to labor down?

I have tried talking about it, but unless you've been there you will never understand.  When I talk to my mom she tells me that she's angry they let me go that long before the c-section.  She is angry that her daughter had to suffer.  The ironic thing, I'm angry about the same thing.  I am angry that they kept pushing the c-section and didn't work with me to get you out "naturally" and as a result, my daughter had to suffer.

I know "all that matters is a healthy baby" but that's not true.  The process matters.  Your birth matters.  I am forever grateful that you are here and perfect and healthy but I don't think I'll ever be okay with how you came into this world.  And for playing a part in that, Madelyn - I am sorry.

Love,
Mom