19 weeks

I think it's fair to say we wouldn't have made it to Christmas before revealing this pregnancy - my body is giving me away! For some reason, I am carrying really high so I am still able to wear my own jeans but they are definitely getting uncomfortable - I am just too lazy to go dig out my maternity clothes.

We had our anatomy scan last week and the baby is looking good! My placenta placement also looks good so that is one more hurdle cleared on the way to a VBAC. C-section moms have a much higher chance of developing placenta previa and although it self corrects a lot of the time, it was something I didn't want to worry about. We didn't find out the gender so that is still a surprise. The tech said she couldn't tell anyway because the baby kept tucking up his/her feet to hide the goods. I don't know if I believe her because with Madelyn's ultrasound the tech said they did have to make sure there was something there and they just mark "Yes" on the sheet rather than "male or female". It makes sense since the whole point of that ultrasound is to make sure everything is forming correctly. Oh well - point is, we still don't know.

That being said, we are having a tough time with boy names. If Madelyn had been a boy, her name would have been Jonathan Michael. I consider that name to still be Madelyn's name - she was either Jonathan or Madelyn. I don't want to use it again so we are back to the drawing board. We both have a pretty strong feeling that this is a boy so I made a deal with Nick. When (not if) we get past this baby's due date and start doing the NST's (which include an ultrasound) and we still don't have a boy name, we will find out the gender at that point to see if it is in fact a boy. At that point, we will be pulling all nighters to name this little guy. My pregnancy brain has convinced me that this baby won't want to be born until we have a name.

Other news - Nick met with my midwife and really liked her. She gave my a referral for a chiropractor and is getting it submitted with my insurance company so I should be able to start that in a few weeks. She also suggested buying a prenatal yoga dvd and doing it on a regular basis to keep myself stretched out and moving. My doula suggested reading as many VBAC success stories as I can get my hands on to help me envision how this birth can go. Fortunately The Bump has a VBAC board and a lot of the women post their success stories so I have been checking that out as well.

Around the beginning on 18 weeks, I started feeling the baby move. I forgot what an awesome feeling that is and love that I am feeling this little bean on a regular basis now.

Weight gain - I gained 4lbs. So much for trying not to gain anything between those appointments. Oh well, I have surrendered to the weight gain at this point. I could gain another 32lbs and still weigh less than I did when I had Madelyn. I don't intend to gain another 32lbs so I figure no matter what, I will be ahead of where I was with her. Thankfully, I was able to get about 10lbs below my prepregnancy weight before getting pregnant again.

12 weeks

12 weeks down - 30 to go! I am still continuing to believe that this baby will be 2 weeks late. I am also planning on a 4 day labor. I figure, I will plan for the longest possible scenario and then I can be estatic when that isn't what happens.

Well it's been awhile so let's update.

We still haven't gone public with this pregnancy. I want to let some friends soak up their glory of new babies and pregnancies before announcing. Also, we went public fairly early with Madelyn and it is a loooooong time to wait for the little one's debut so we are going to spare everyone the waiting period as much as possible. Lastly, Madelyn isn't even 1 yet and I want her to get her first year all to herself and not have to share the spotlight at all. Not that she cares but oh well. We are hoping to make it to Christmas before the big reveal but that would put me at 20 weeks and I don't know if my body can hold out. Which brings me to my next topic....

Weight gain. I've gained about 5lbs so far with this pregnancy. Not too bad but I don't remember where that is in comparison to Madelyn. I am still in my normal clothes and I think I can stay in them for a bit longer.

Birth plans - we met me with another homebirth midwife but didn't really click with her. I had high hopes because she is a VBAC mom herself but this woman is about to be all up in my jazz and if I don't feel immediately comfortable, I would rather not go that route.  I also had my first appointment with a midwife through UofM which is where I am getting my prenatal care until we make a decision. I really liked her! She had already reviewed my operative report from Madelyn's c-section and the first thing she told me when she came in was that because I was able to dialate to a 10 and ultimately the c-section was a result of fetal distress my chances of a VBAC are over 80% and my scenario tends to be her best VBAC scenario in terms of results. She also recommended another midwife through UofM that practices accupuncture and suggested I see her closer to the birth to help ensure optimal positioning and help prime my body for labor since induction is not an option in a VBAC scenario. I asked about chiropractic care and she agreed that it can help align my pelvis and again, help to ensure optimal positioning and gave me a referral. The best news for me - she "lets" her VBAC patients go to 42 weeks before scheduling a repeat c-section. One of the biggset issues women come across with providers that claim to be "VBAC friendly" is that they only "let" the mom go to 39 weeks and if you don't go into labor before then they will push scheduling a repeat c-section.

With regard to UofM and laboring as a VBAC candidate, they do require continous fetal monitoring. She did say they will let you come off the machines for short periods of time but because that is the best way to detect rupture, they do prefer you being monitored most of the time. Thankfully, UofM has telemetry monitoring available which is basically a wireless fetal monitor. This means I can labor while walking, standing or even in the tub!!  She also said their staff prefers women labor with as little intervention as possible and are trained to help women labor med free. Music to my ears!!

At this time, I am feeling very comfortable with staying at UofM in the care of the midwives and hiring Stacia as a doula. I don't want to make a final decision until Nick gets a chance to meet my midwife through UofM though. My next appointment is scheduled for December 7th with the anatomy scan right before. Nick will have a chance to meet her then.

Final thought, I am way more chill with this pregnancy than I was with Madelyn. I actually will go through the entire day and forget that I'm pregnant. I was an absolute basketcase with Madelyn and would freak out before every appointment that we wouldn't hear a heartbeat. I have faith in my body this time around and know that it is capable of growing an amazing and perfect little human and as a result it has allowed me to be much more relaxed. Madelyn also serves as a great distraction.

*almost there - one more prewritten post after this!

9 weeks!

That's right folks! We've got a due date. May 9, 2012! Now, I am planning on a June baby. Not because there is anyway I would actually have this baby in June but because I drove myself nuts last time around and the little stinker decided to really make me work for it by coming a week late. This way, I will be happy when this one makes a debut in May.

I had my first ultrasound today for dating purposes and got to see the little bean's heartbeat - 167. I have to say the whole thing is even more exciting this time around because I already have a glimpse of what I get in the end of this whole process - another sweet face to squish!!

Still getting a little queasy here and there and mega tired but other than that, life is good. Per my home scale, I am actually losing weight and really would like to keep my weight gain to a minimum this time around. I gained about 30lbs with Madelyn and lost it all plus 5 more after she was born but I still have a few extra pounds I could stand to lose so if I could keep my weight gain around the 20lb mark I would be a happy mama.

Still in my regular clothes but they are getting a little tighter at the end of the night.

On the VBAC front - I am signed up with the CNM through UofM and intend to go that route until I make a decision. Nick and I are meeting with another homebirth midwife later this month for another perspective and I have my first appointment with the hospital midwife this month as well.

Financially, it is actually cheaper for me to deliver in the hospital versus home birth because Nick just enrolled in awesome insurance through work. We have $10 co pays and pay $0 for delivery. In a home birth scenario, we would be responsible for 100% which is in the $2000-$3000 range. I really don't want money to be a deciding factor in this but it is something to consider.

I also can't seem to shake the "what if" factor. What if something goes wrong? I know if I can't get over this, it will be hard for me to trust my body to do what it needs to do to get this baby here safely. I am now thinking about laboring at home as long as possible and then heading to the hospital for the actual delivery. Plus, if I'm being honest - the couple days in the hospital doing nothing but love on this new baby is a pretty nice thing. I can see me pushing myself to do too much too soon if I am at home. Still, and I know I've mentioned this before, my concern is that most ruptures occur before the pushing stage of labor. Ruptures are typically detected through fetal monitoring. If I can find a doula that is willing to do fetal monitoring as well I would feel more comfortable with this scenario. A lot of midwives are also doulas and you can hire them in either capacity but I don't know if they will mix the roles and provide some midwifery care when acting as a doula.

Ugh - so much to think about!

**only 2 more backdated posts to go!

?? Weeks

Please ignore my ridiculous hair in this picture. I didn't document my pregnancy with Madelyn very well and really wish I had (sorry kiddo) so I am attempting to do a better job this time around. I also am going to be doing a lot more research on VBAC and various birthing options so I intend to use this space as a place to sort my thoughts and possibly help someone else.

Pregnancy #2 so far:

1. Tougher with a mobile Madelyn at home already. I forgot how tired you are in the first trimester and there is no napping this time around. Nick has definitely stepped up and started taking Miss. M when he gets home from work. Even 30 minutes of being able to veg on the couch does wonders for my energy. I am pretty much following Madelyn to bed at night but oh well.

2. I'm predicting boy with this one. I know I said I thought Madelyn was a boy but that was because I wanted a girl so badly that I figured I would end up with a boy. To be honest, I never had a gut feeling with her. This one, I do. I just feel boy. That, and I feel nauseous which wasn't the case with M so maybe there's a little man swimming around in there. I can 100% say, I don't care if this baby is a boy or girl. And I don't even kind of have my fingers crossed one way or the other.

3. We are looking at alternative birthing options. I fully believe I was destined to fail when I walked into UofM 10 months ago. I believed my body would know what to do and that I would be strong enough to refuse all the medical interventions but 2 days of labor and not sleeping got to me and I ended up caving. I also fully believe, I will have to fight every step of the way in that hospital to VBAC with this baby. What does that leave us with? Birthing centers, a different hospital and home birth or a different avenue at UofM.

From what I have read, the #1 priority for those having successful VBACs was finding a supportive provider. Here is my beef with hospitals. Everyone has adopted this "team" approach with their pregnant patients. You will see one doctor throughout your pregnancy but then when you head into the hospital, your birth will be attended by one of the "team". Well your provider may be on board with a VBAC but who is to say the doctor on duty that day will feel the same way. The doctor who performed my c-section was ready to cut me open from the second she started her shift. I had never met her before and had no idea on her philosophies on birth. I believe, these issues will become even more apparant with a VBAC baby. The medical community is so split on this issue. This seems to be my biggest hang up with delivering at a hospital.

A big recommendation when delivering at a hospital and being a VBAC candidate is to labor at home as long as possible and then show up pushing. You can hire a doula to help keep you at home longer or even a monitrice who has the ability to check you to see how dialated you. My concern here is that a lot of uterine ruptures occur during labor, not during pushing. The best way to monitor for a rupture is to monitor the fetal heartrate. If I am at home for all of my labor, I'm not monitoring the baby's heartrate during that time. At least, I don't think a doula does that.

I like the idea of a birthing center. I don't like that the closest birthing center that does VBACs is over an hour away, in Okemos. I hated the 10 minute car ride to UofM last time, I can't see myself handling a hour+ car ride to Okemos. This left me wondering, how is it Ann Arbor doesn't have a freestanding birth center?

Last option is home birth. I keep going back and forth on this one. The only reason I would consider a home birth is because we live so close to UofM. In actuality, we are closer to the hospital at home than we would be if we went to the birth center in Okemos. I know all the numbers on safety of home birth and the risks as well as the safety and risks of a second c-section. Generally speaking, a c-section is safer for baby but not safer for mom. A VBAC is safer for mom but not safer for baby. In all of my research I came across a forum for VBAC moms and one lady was saying she opted for a VBAC because although it would break her heart to deal with the loss of a child, she couldn't imagine putting her first child through losing a mother. For some reason, this really stuck with me. I also hesitate to use the word "safer" because all this really relates to is mortality rates and we are also playing around with tenths of tenths of percents. In both scenarios the mortality rate is about 0.04%. However, when you take into account other risk factors such as blood loss and infection for mom as well as breathing problems for baby the idea of repeat c-section is not appealing to me.

Anyway, after that rambling trail of thought I come back to this. Although I know home birth is generally considered safe and in some circles it is considered safer than hospital birth, I can't seem to shake the what if scenario that creeps into my head.

At this point, Nick and I are planning on continuing care with the Taubman team that I saw during my pregnancy with Madelyn until we decide which route to go. We visited the birth center in Okemos and although we loved them, we ruled them out due to the distance. I have emailed several midwives in the surrounding area to interview them regarding home birth as well as set up an initial interview with a midwife the practices at UofM.

More to come....

Scars that Run Deep: “All that Matters” after a Cesarean

Scars that Run Deep: “All that Matters” after a Cesarean

I posted earlier about my feelings regarding my c-section and will continue to use this space to process Madelyn's birth and my emotions surrounding it.  To friends and family, please know I am okay.  I'm just working through an event in my life and sharing with you the good, the bad and the ugly.

Anyway, this article was posted on my birth board and I found it was able to put into words what I have been trying to wrap my brain around.

Mother's Guilt

Miss. M,
I've been struggling with your birth since, well, you were born.  I had grand plans of a med free childbirth, immediate skin to skin contact, Daddy cutting your cord since he missed out on that with Ben, the list goes on.  If you've read your birth story, you know that all went to hell in a handbasket.  And I hate that your birth involves pulling you from my body and passing you to at least 3 people before I even saw my sweet baby girl.  I still bothers me that my first peek at my daughter you was completely wrapped up and someone had to hold you for me because my arms were numb.  I really hate that your body was pumped full of antibiotics before I was even able to fill your belly breastfeeding.  My love, you were close to an hour old before I even got to hold you.  The worst part is, I feel like my body failed my baby girl.

I have replayed your birth over and over in my mind since the day you were born.  What if I had told my family, please don't come over - we'll let you know when she's here or even not told them I was in labor.  I believed I would want people around me during labor - turns out, I didn't.  What if I had not gotten the epidural?  What if I had stood up to the doctor when she told me she couldn't turn you?  What if I had said, F you and your plan to have me push when my body isn't involuntarily pushing yet, I'm going to labor down?

I have tried talking about it, but unless you've been there you will never understand.  When I talk to my mom she tells me that she's angry they let me go that long before the c-section.  She is angry that her daughter had to suffer.  The ironic thing, I'm angry about the same thing.  I am angry that they kept pushing the c-section and didn't work with me to get you out "naturally" and as a result, my daughter had to suffer.

I know "all that matters is a healthy baby" but that's not true.  The process matters.  Your birth matters.  I am forever grateful that you are here and perfect and healthy but I don't think I'll ever be okay with how you came into this world.  And for playing a part in that, Madelyn - I am sorry.

Love,
Mom