Scars that Run Deep: “All that Matters” after a Cesarean

Scars that Run Deep: “All that Matters” after a Cesarean

I posted earlier about my feelings regarding my c-section and will continue to use this space to process Madelyn's birth and my emotions surrounding it.  To friends and family, please know I am okay.  I'm just working through an event in my life and sharing with you the good, the bad and the ugly.

Anyway, this article was posted on my birth board and I found it was able to put into words what I have been trying to wrap my brain around.

Yikes!

I love the pigtails!

When I take them out is something else entirely!

Puppy Dog Prayers

Ziggy's cousin Bubba needs major prayers, mojo, good karma, whatever you can spare.  Aunt Cathy thought he had hurt his back leg running the woods but when it didn't get better in a few days she brought him into the vet.  Sadly, Bubba has bone cancer.  They are getting an ultrasound done on Tuesday to determine if the cancer has spread to his organs or if it is isolated in his leg bone.  If the cancer is isolated, they can amputate his leg, and Bubba can have a fighting chance.  Poor Uncle Rik and Aunt Cathy have had more than their share of heartache when it comes to pets and could really use a break.  All good vibes to Bubba for a good ultrasound on Tuesday!

When Grandpa's Change Diapers....

.....this can sometimes happen.

Yes, it's on backwards.

Madelyn's 4th Month

I can't believe she's four months old!  Overall I would describe this last month as fun!  I say this as I lie in bed with Miss. Madelyn and nurse her to sleep because she refuses to go to sleep on her own, so yes, I'm aware the tide could turn on me yet again.  Oh well, I'm going to relish in the joy that was month 4!  (And I really don't mind cuddling with my girl at bedtime.)

Big things in month 4 - hmmm....

This girl absolutely loves her jumperoo!  She would stay there for hours if I'd let her.  She's also figured out how it works so the second you put her in there, she takes off jumping!

Her hair is long enough for pig tails!  I want to melt into a puddle of mommy love every time I put pig tails in her hair.  It is the most freakin' adorable sight I've ever seen!

Miss. Madelyn is a jabberjaws.  She will "talk" all day long.  And she doesn't care if you're listening or not.  My mom calls her the boss and warns me that I've got another Molly on my hands.  *Sigh*  I love you sister bear but I'm tired just thinking about it.

She still hates her carseat and would much prefer to be a part of the action.  I've started wearing her in the moby and the ergo a lot more and she likes being able to look around.  I also used the shopping cart cover for the first time and plopped her booty in the seat of the cart - she thought she was the coolest kid on the planet.

coolest kid ever!

Her 4 month appointment was on her 4 month birthday.  She is absolutely perfect in every way.  She weighs 15lb 11oz which is the 90th percentile.  Height is 25 inches which is the 78th percentile.  If you're keeping track, she was 24 inches at her 2 month checkup so I asked the doctor why the slow down.  Her best guess is that the 2 month measurement was inaccurate.  She said the hardest measurement to get is the height because you have to stretch them out to do it which is about impossible.  Plus, to go from 21.5 inches at birth to 24 inches in 2 months is pretty crazy.  She got the next round of shots.  She cried but I managed to hold myself together this time.  She's been a bit fussier this time around though so I feel bad for the girl.

Madelyn has taken to pulling her pacifier out of her mouth, examining it and then trying to put it back in her mouth.  She usually fails at this and starts screaming until one of us puts it back.  I just found a Wubba Nub and it seems to satisfy her need to grab at things but still keep the pacifier in place.  It really is a brilliant idea and at 12 bucks a pop, someone's making a killing on these things.

She's also become obsessed with mobiles.  We ended up using one of the decorations from my baby shower as her mobile because I couldn't stand any of the gaudy plastic ones in the stores.  Well now I'm eating my words because we've tried out 2 mobiles in the past week and they are both gaudy and plastic.  Her pack and play came with a mobile but it's got the crank to make it work.  Think back to the swings of 1981.  She loves staring at it but it only lasts for a minute or two and then you're back in the room, cranking up the mobile again.  Not fun.  Now we are searching for a battery operated mobile that meets my decor demands.

What else happened this month?

Well Miss. Piper Stepke was born!  Welcome to the world Piper!  Madelyn and I went up to meet her the day after she was born.  I cannot wait to see those two toddling around in a couple of years - it is going to be the cutest thing EVER!  And how fun, to have a friend that you can honestly say you've known since birth.  Nick is glad he's got James to go gun and shovel shopping with in 16 years.  His words, not mine. 

new BFF's!

Also, congratulations to Nick and Rachael Morley on the birth of Katherine Rose.  We are still waiting to meet her but have seen pictures and she's beautiful.  Yet another girl to add to the mix!

So all in all, a pretty good month!  Keep it up baby girl!

Mother's Guilt

Miss. M,
I've been struggling with your birth since, well, you were born.  I had grand plans of a med free childbirth, immediate skin to skin contact, Daddy cutting your cord since he missed out on that with Ben, the list goes on.  If you've read your birth story, you know that all went to hell in a handbasket.  And I hate that your birth involves pulling you from my body and passing you to at least 3 people before I even saw my sweet baby girl.  I still bothers me that my first peek at my daughter you was completely wrapped up and someone had to hold you for me because my arms were numb.  I really hate that your body was pumped full of antibiotics before I was even able to fill your belly breastfeeding.  My love, you were close to an hour old before I even got to hold you.  The worst part is, I feel like my body failed my baby girl.

I have replayed your birth over and over in my mind since the day you were born.  What if I had told my family, please don't come over - we'll let you know when she's here or even not told them I was in labor.  I believed I would want people around me during labor - turns out, I didn't.  What if I had not gotten the epidural?  What if I had stood up to the doctor when she told me she couldn't turn you?  What if I had said, F you and your plan to have me push when my body isn't involuntarily pushing yet, I'm going to labor down?

I have tried talking about it, but unless you've been there you will never understand.  When I talk to my mom she tells me that she's angry they let me go that long before the c-section.  She is angry that her daughter had to suffer.  The ironic thing, I'm angry about the same thing.  I am angry that they kept pushing the c-section and didn't work with me to get you out "naturally" and as a result, my daughter had to suffer.

I know "all that matters is a healthy baby" but that's not true.  The process matters.  Your birth matters.  I am forever grateful that you are here and perfect and healthy but I don't think I'll ever be okay with how you came into this world.  And for playing a part in that, Madelyn - I am sorry.

Love,
Mom

Witty Onesies

Miss. M has accumulated quite a collection of witty onesies.  The best part, they are each 100% Madelyn and each onesie has it's own story.

Aunt Molly made this one.  Zigs loves chasing squirrels.

From Aunt Cathy.  Sorry to say it M, they are ALL your relatives.  Welcome to the family.

From Aunt Molly during her trip to Vegas.

Another Aunt Molly onesie

Mom found this one.  It's just true - plain and simple.

Aunt Jody (who else).  I love this one but can't bring myself to have her wear it in public!