Mother's Guilt

Miss. M,
I've been struggling with your birth since, well, you were born.  I had grand plans of a med free childbirth, immediate skin to skin contact, Daddy cutting your cord since he missed out on that with Ben, the list goes on.  If you've read your birth story, you know that all went to hell in a handbasket.  And I hate that your birth involves pulling you from my body and passing you to at least 3 people before I even saw my sweet baby girl.  I still bothers me that my first peek at my daughter you was completely wrapped up and someone had to hold you for me because my arms were numb.  I really hate that your body was pumped full of antibiotics before I was even able to fill your belly breastfeeding.  My love, you were close to an hour old before I even got to hold you.  The worst part is, I feel like my body failed my baby girl.

I have replayed your birth over and over in my mind since the day you were born.  What if I had told my family, please don't come over - we'll let you know when she's here or even not told them I was in labor.  I believed I would want people around me during labor - turns out, I didn't.  What if I had not gotten the epidural?  What if I had stood up to the doctor when she told me she couldn't turn you?  What if I had said, F you and your plan to have me push when my body isn't involuntarily pushing yet, I'm going to labor down?

I have tried talking about it, but unless you've been there you will never understand.  When I talk to my mom she tells me that she's angry they let me go that long before the c-section.  She is angry that her daughter had to suffer.  The ironic thing, I'm angry about the same thing.  I am angry that they kept pushing the c-section and didn't work with me to get you out "naturally" and as a result, my daughter had to suffer.

I know "all that matters is a healthy baby" but that's not true.  The process matters.  Your birth matters.  I am forever grateful that you are here and perfect and healthy but I don't think I'll ever be okay with how you came into this world.  And for playing a part in that, Madelyn - I am sorry.

Love,
Mom